|
| Oh my oh my it has been a very very long time since I have written in this thing. I just had a random urge to look back on the past few years, and of course that mean's XANGA!
Where to start!?
Well.. I've finally figured out what I want to do in life. It has been something that's been tearing me up this entire year, and finally towards the end it came to me. I have been singing all these years, and writing so it is natural to pursue MUSIC. I thought about everything from becoming a Doctor, and even a Psychiatrist. My friend Malissa just recently went to college in Gorham Maine, and it has a really good music program for singing, and a bunch of other thing's. I am so tired of doubting myself, and holding myself back from what God's planned for me, and I'm taking the steps now. I want to pursue music, because it's been my God given talent to sing, and to write, and all I need is professional lessons, and even more exposure, and I'm even going to learn the piano you think I would have learnt it years ago with my dad, and sister so good at it. I really have beaten myself up about what I'm going to do in my life this year I really should've relaxed about it.
I have been working alot more lately, and been pretty busy just trying to get my life in order. I really have missed writting in here sometimes I think writting in here helped me understand myself more, and I feel like I really am a different person now. I mean sometimes it really makes me upset, and then I think about how different everything is here in this small city. Sooo much has changed since my last entry, and it's so crazy to me how different everyone is. This oncoming year so many more people are leaving including me, and it's so scary to me, and this has always been home to me, I've always loved beautiful Bath Maine I'd be crazy not to love this city. I'm ready to take these steps tho, I'm ready to pursue my dreams, and continue God's plans for me.
I'm thinking about taking a community college class, or two before actually going to Gorham next fall if that's what pans out for me, which I really think I am being lead in that direction. I will most likely take a pyhschology class, and maybe even math, or writing. not sure I want to get a feel for a college class, just because I've been home-schooled all my life, and I need to feel the whole class-room enviroment out.
Tonight I am doing the whole black friday thing. I have never gone out shopping at the mall so early, but I'm really looking forward to it all.
I havn't really written any poems this past year, and it's kind of sad. I feel like I've lost a part of myself the past two years, and It's been a slow progression, but I really want to find what I'm missing so much. I'm still the happy smiley guy I've always been, but something's just not there anymore. I have resorted to reflecting on the past alot hoping to find what I've been really missing for awhile now. I need to be more honest with myself, and stop being sooo protective of myself. I just havn't shown my emotions for the longest time to anyone, and I never write so it's like I bottle everything up, and it's been bottled up for the longest time, and I just want to be able to be so care-free like I always used to be.
I have big steps to take, and I am finally ready to take these big steps, and I'm very excited/scared to death.
I'm really done holding myself back, and being so shy. I know "SHY!??!" I really do hold myself back from people sometimes, and it's silly, but I can be really shy, and I'm done with it I'm not even supposed to be shy it's a stupid crutch I picked up somewhere down the road, and I have let it hold me back to many times now. I'm coming, and I'm very determined to go all the way for what God has planned for me, and I'm not letting anything hold me back. nothing.
I am so ready to embrace everything I've been destined to be, and I'm so excited to let my realm of influence grow. I know I will be able to hold to my morals in college. I am a very strong person when it comes to morals you can ask any of my friends. I will always be a person of character, and morals we need more people like that in this world, especially people my age.
This world needs "real change", and God is the one that can bring it.
He just need's "Broken Vessels" haha I had to use it.
I miss being in that band!
Anyway...! I feel so much better now that I've updated this thing, and I may updated more within a few days/weeks we will see.
Happy Thanksgiving :)
| | |
| Hey, it's been well over 9 months or more. Thing's have been...alright. So much has happend, and it would take 4,000 pages to just cover half of it. I'm 17 now, and life has drastically changed. Mostly for the good lately, but I had to go through the crazy wilderness to get here, and I didn't come out unharmed, I have scars caused by myself, and others. I have written so much poetry over the course of all this time, but I'll just post my most recent. "Restricted"
The hollowed out space in which you used to reside
Has slowly began to fill with cyanide
The overwhelming sensation of feeling utterly alone
Burned a hole right through my heart
The support system that held me up so high, plunged me to the lowest depths
The days continually drag on, and I hang on by a thread of the life that I once lead
The winter has taken more then I expected
The barren wasteland of nothingness has begun to erode my heart
I don't want to feel as tho i'm coming apart
I've restricted the feeling in my heart, to keep it safe from the ever-present dark
The worse feeling is knowing the one you loved, didn't love you back
Spring oh spring please grow in my heart
I need to feel life again, and i'm willing to plant those seeds within
The steps i'm taking are not easy, but they are neccesary
I don't think i'll ever understand what happend
And in my heart I don't think I honestly want too
But I can't help but wonder if things could have been avoided
I have to accept what has happend, but I don't have to agree with it
These memories will not erode like the fragile sand
They'll stay with me till my very last breath
-by me
Yeah.. so i'm pretty much back. I've sort of missed xanga, and I had to post. Now i'm going to read all my entries and remember. comment if you'd like! | | |
| Hey.. It's been over a month.. woww.. That's weird of me not to update for so long. anyway it's finaly summer! I'm out of school got my report done, and i'm freeeeee.. Work has lightened down the load to two days a week which i actually like cause i really want to be able to do stuff this summer. I'm actually considering to try, and work at old navy when it gets here end of august/ mid september. I've been told they would hire me by people cause of how i look like someone that would work there, and dress like it too. Of course i adore brackett's, but i've been working there for a year, and a half, and well.. I'M BORED! Old navy would be a dream job. PLUS... 40% off all things sold there if you work there. Sounds heavenly to me.. So this summer i plan to go to the beach alot.. ALOT. Plus having a co-worker that works there, and lets me in for free rocks.. Heritage days begins this week... it is my favorite time of the year.. I love it so much. Were playing july third at 3:00 pm, and i'm so stoked. It's gonna be our best one yet.! We have stretched the hardest this year... Also.. Me and My dad are going down most likely the end of the first week of august to get renee and bring her up here till after camp so pretty much three and a half weeks, and she's staying here.. i'm so excited! Camp is going to be amazinggggg.. Theres alot more people going then last time. So yeah i've done alot of stuff the past month, and i don't feel like going into detail if you were with me then you'd know .
I've got some poems to post now.
"Drowning"
I'm standing on the edge of reality
I feel as tho i've lost a vital part of me
Entaggled in the web you've spun
Ever hopeful looking for a break
So that hopefully i can catch a glispe of the delightful sun
I walk this lonely forsaken beach
With not a sound to be heard or a soul to be reached
The water flows like a song here
Continususly harmonizing with the waves
I stagger for miles bearing scars that have slowly become defiled
The beauty of this being last moment spent
Will hold in my mind for eternity
Taking my last breath i lay my head on the smooth sand
At this moment i could feel him hold my hand
The water begins to wash ashore
Closer and closer till i could feel no more
As i was drowning in my sleep
The last dream i had was of you
A peace that i would hold you in my arms soon
Far away i fly into the bright blue cloudless sky
That's where my home is now
Soaring above with you in the clouds
-by me
"Walk Away"
Memories that seem so impossible to revive and so far away
Still weigh in my head with hopes to once be relived again
Why am i looking for hope among whats lifeless and dead
I still can quote every word that you ever said
The painstaking words that i wish would finaly leave my head
The sky has turned to a dark grey filled pouring forth saturated rain
I stand below the clouds of sorrow drenched in my own tears
The thought of you wavers back and forth in my mind
Could this really be the last line in my heart for you
I can still remember the start and now how far it's flown out of the zone
My heart lay broken and shattered in my hand
On this lonely night where i stand under the stars frozen within
I can still feel the hope that fervently burns in my heart
A flame that can easily pierce the dark
The pain will subside in time
The words spoken forth will slowly fall out of my mind
I just need to hold my heart up to sky and let my troubles fly on by
I'll hold my head high and walk towards a brand new day
With the hope and promise of a king
That will never lose his power
-by me
"edit"
"Strangers"
The tattered door has begun to close
You forgot you were the one God chose
Every rose has it's thorns and yours are full of bitter scorn
Drowning in the discontent of your own heart
You've fallen into the ever-fleeding dark
Escaping like the dawn i never saw you till you were gone
Your voice is still heard in my head like an overplayed song
We might as well be strangers
That's how it feels every time you walk on by me
A new season has approached
A time that demands inner growth
With this new branch of leaves
The old must fall away
So with this goodbye i will erase you from my mind
Goodbye old friend goodbye
From this day forth we are perfect strangers
-by me
That's all of the poems that i'm gonna post..
And that's all i have to say..
"Smitten"
Wait please wait the worlds unravling before my eyes
And the only thing i can think about is you
Let's walk together in perfect unison across time
Continuously Painting on the canvas of you and I
The novelists will write of the love that caught fire ablaze in my heart
A blazing fire that will forever be a light in my dark
This moment is to be remembered, the night the falling star brought me to you
-by me
Let's make this summer the best yet.
Adios | | |
| hmm. Nothing to say.
Poem--
"Stream of washed away dreams"
My tears have begun to drown my mortal being
The pain thats yet to be liberated from within
Has been causing a rapid amount of blood loss
The hurricane in my head has brushed me red
I stagger down this desolate road all alone
My vision becomes clouded from all the tears
The dreams i held high hopes for have washed away
Why am i still standing up here today
Frozen with this stupid frown hidden within the idiotic crowd
The rapid continuation of things that are not right have left me doubtful
The ever hopeful restoration of my heart is in my minds eye
I'm tired of drowning away in this stream of broken dreams
I hate the feelings that have befallen me
Break me from this capitivy of simplicity
I am willing to rise from the depths of despair knowing you will be there
Open the eyes of my heart tonight
Tell me everything i dream for will be alright
Tonight i fell but what was even harder was to tell
-by me
| | |
| Hello.. It's been awhile.. Things have been so confusing and intresting lately.. Good and Bad.. and when bad happens its followed by a suprising great thing.. my emotions feel so messed up cause of it.. it's like something bad happens and it really hurts and i just get over it and bam i'm suprised by a sudden change of heart and situation and of course i'd never turn my back on anyone or take my hand away it's always there so i take there hand again knowing there could be a great chance they'll do it again but i don't care.. I'm a christian and God has never given up on me through all the crap i've put him through so i'll never give up on anyone else.. God's told me a promise i almost through away cause of something that happend.. many times.. but once again things worked out.. and you know what i believe it more then ever this time i'm just gonna let him be in control and not think about it all.. As much as my heart hurts and my emotions are confused.. I know whats right in my heart and what Gods told me and thats all that counts.. God's really been furfilling promises and yournings.. it's amazing how he works.. I was getting weary... tired.... and he supplied when i needed him the most and cause of everything i've been through without giving up here is all the rewards.. I've learnt so much this past year.. I've grown so much.. I love life now.. God is great and because he's great my life is worth living for and is amazing through him doesn't matter whats going on my life will never suck because if anyone says that then their not letting God be God and their being selfish... I'm pumped for hertiage days i'm so excited.. beyond belief. Were learning so many songs.. it's gonna be so fun.. What's weird is the past two weeks have been really hard.. but well i feel so great. Rejoicing in the middle of the storms.. Pain only makes me stronger..! Anyway.. I intend to be a history maker and nothing can stop that.. nothing.
My heart feels so warm right now.
Anyway i'm finished!
Love you all..
Leave some love=)
"edit" poem..
"Silence"
This night i hold my bleeding heart
The faint whispers i hear in the air
Tell me that it's to late, I begin to hesitate
My emotions are tied up in a knot
The silence of my heart is just at its start
I can already taste the eternal dark
A feeling i don't want to endure
A dazed confusion has fallen upon me
I can't discern friend from foe
I'm slowly being pulled into the undertoe
I scream untill my throat bleeds
Hoping a soul will hear it and act upon it
Deeper and deeper my heart is plunged into the darkness
The inner being of my soul infected with the taint
I take my final breath
Wishing i would have fought against the darkness that infects
My body lays lifeless devoured by the lies
I wake from my dream confused and serene
My heart still in my hand i know i have to take this stand
Listening to the whispers in the air will bring about my nightmare
I reach out towards the sky just to feel you brush by
Your touch restores my life
Freeing my heart from the dark
You are my tourniquet my refuge
You've broken the silence of my heart
My heart now sings a brand new song
A song of redemption of the time it was saved by our hero in the sky
-by me
"edit again"
"Better Days"
I remember the better days
When the sun was fervent over the land
Now eclipsed we hide with our heads borrowed deep in the sand
We sift through the remains of a world we once abandoned
Shattered remains of dreams lie scattered everywhere
A barren wasteland of emotion
We begin to stratch at the surface of reality
Breaking the skin of sanity
Is this what we've damned ourselves to be
A people of hopeless dignity
I no longer can keep my head in the lifeless ground
These clouds can't take my joy away
I've been dipped into the well of eternal life
How could i have thrown myself into such sorrow and spite
Tonight is when i make these things right
Under the crystal moonlight i'll return back to the light
-by me
adios.
| | |
|
